Yesterday, after having sent one of my standard witty and insightful email missives, one of MSN's little teaser headlines caught my eye: "7 habits people who live alone need to break." (http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=2090&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544659?GT1=6332
) Well, I must admit this piqued my interest. I mean, I *have* been on the market for some time now, but maybe it's not just my repellent personality and appearance that's been scaring the men off - maybe it's simply one measly habit that could turn this train around! So off I clicked.
And, to my horror, ALL SEVEN applied to me. Yikes. How did author Bob Strauss know me better than I know myself? Allow me to describe.
1. 45-minute showers.
I actually take 15-minute showers, but that's only because my crappy hot-water tank runs out right about then. Otherwise, especially on the weekends, I see no reason to hurry. How else am I going to keep warm while my hair is being deep-conditioned?
2. Spoiled pets.
Ahem. My precious angel is beloved by all. How could he be considered spoiled? Doesn't everyone find his ankle-biting and constant clawing adorable? I'm sure it's just a coincidence that one houseguest nicknamed my cat "Shrapnel" after a particularly active weekend.
3. Casual Sunday.
I groom on-demand, and on-demand only. Thus, if I'm not leaving the house, remind me why I have to clean myself up?
4. All TV, all the time.
This one should be tweaked to "all music, all the time." Although if I had cable or some means of getting more than 4.5 channels, TV probably would be a constant presence in my house. The idiot box and I have a long history together.
5. Pretzels in bed.
It's not the crumbs that bother me. It's the coffee stains, largely because those usually are the result of having accidentally dumped a cup on myself. OUCH.
6. Aimless whistling.
Again, tweak this to "aimless singing" and we're on. I didn't realize that perhaps not everyone is continually singing along with music until a recent conversation with my mom. She used to sing professionally and, now that she's retired, has taken up with her church choir. Mom said it was something of a rough start since she hadn't sung in several years. The silence on my end prompted her to ask, rather defensively, "When was the last time YOU sang?" Um, this morning while I was blow-drying my hair. I may even have changed the lyrics so they were appropriate to my cat. See #2 above.
7. Lack of silverware.
Okay, this one I think we can chalk up to my crappy housekeeping skills more than anything else. This truly perplexes me. My silverware never, ever leaves my house - I don't take it with me on the rare days I bring my lunch to work and while I have lent out my plates, no one seems interested in my forks and knives. And yet I am down to like three forks, two knives, and a couple of sorry, dented spoons. I have no clue where they go. On the other hand, I have sufficient chopsticks for all the inhabitants of Rangoon.
So now I have a blueprint of things to change about myself on the off-chance that some unsuspecting patsy might darken my doorstep in the distant future. Best get to work.